Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
