Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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