I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Operation Purity has been aborted
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
