A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
