Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
