Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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