I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize