A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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