she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You pole danced in your parka.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
