I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
