im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
