Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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