The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
