I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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