In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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