This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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