Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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