Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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