why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
