fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
