dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize