That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize