Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
