My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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