Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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