I only kidnapped one of them. chill
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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