If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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