There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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