Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
