you turned your livingroom into a bong?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
