Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize