I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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