my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
