she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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