What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
