so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
