I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
