we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
