Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
