i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
