I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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