I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
