When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
organizing the empties. That sober.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm really busy with my period
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