I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
