first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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