Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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