she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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