Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
