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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  ambylanc

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  what?

  (519): View more from Ontario

  there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

  Fav 8 3274 1704

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.

  Fav 11 1981 2021

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.

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• (518): View more from New York

  Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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• (315): View more from New York

  Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.

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• (216): View more from Ohio

  I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!

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• (937): View more from Ohio

  How exactly does a handjob become fancy?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Blueberry lube, and champagne.

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• (231): View more from Michigan

  Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus

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• (760): View more from California

  As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.

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• (225): View more from Louisiana

  I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID

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