I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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