My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
