My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
