I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
