Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
