it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
