Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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